pain

Pain, I experience it almost every day. I do not only have physical pain, but I also have emotional pain.
What is causing it? There are a lot of things. First of all, it is the fact that I know that I will not be able to go out on my own to restaurants, parks, or museums as I want to. Further more, six months ago, the doctors found a cyst on my brain. A month after that, I found out that I had migraines as well. Life has put another block in front of me that I cannot seem to overcome. There were two blocks that were preventing me from being the person that I wanted to be before I found out that I had the cyst and the migraine. They were my blindness, and my cerebral palsy. I have headaches that come and go, but I also have leg, arm, and knee pain. Sometimes, it is hard to get out of bed because of the different body parts that hurt. I have stopped going to church and to other places because I am not able to withstand loud noises.
For most people, getting out of school is fun but not for me. Even when I am at school, it is very hard to concentrate. I stay in my room sometimes, more than 12 hours. I try to sleep most of the time just because I want to escape the pain that I feel. I am not able to do some things such as cooking because of my CP and fear. What do I fear? About 19 years ago, I was burned. That memory has been haunting me ever since. I am not able to go near a fire because of this. Sometimes, I do not eat for a day or more because there is nobody around when I need them. When they get back, my hunger is gone. Sometimes, it is because of the pain, or because after waiting for a few minutes, nobody knows what to give me. Most of the food that I have eaten; unfortunately, I have found it to be spicy. Probably it is not, but I think it is. I am not sure what to attribute this to. My pain has been so strong, that I sometimes wish I was in a wheelchair.
The other kind of pain which is mental is more threatening. A couple of weeks ago, one doctor told me that I may have to live with pain for the rest of my life. The only way to control it is by taking medications. I cannot see myself having to take meds for my entire life. Especially, because I know that they will not work. I am taking them now, and the pain always comes back.
I wish to have a family of my own, but when I think about it more each time, I tell myself that I cannot be that selfish. I do not want to have kids and a wife who have to deal with a dad and a husband who’s body is hurting all the time. I want to be able to hug and play with them. I want to give them a better life. A life I never had. How will I be able to answer my kid’s questions. Dad, Why are you blind? Why do you walk like that? Why don’t you take us out? There are So many questions with out an answer. How will I be able to explain to them that I am different than a person who is not disabled.
When I was a child, kids used to make fun of me. I never trusted anyone. Even now that I have some friends, I don’t know if they are being honest with me. I always ask myself, Do they really me for who I am? Even now, when I try to make more friends, it is very hard because I think that they have to put or will put my disabilities first instead of my abilities. I think that they will not like me because of the way I am.
For many years, Instead of finding people that I could talk to, I sat alone. I looked for silence for that was my way to get away from all the things that I did not like. Also, this was my way to avoid a bad situation. I still like being alone, but I try to socialize more. Today, by using this tool, I am able to find myself, and I am able to talk to god. Silence allows me to create and develop ideas. Finally, it helps me to grow.
Still talking about relationships, It seems that all around people are interested in how the person looks physically. I feel that people are ashamed to say what they really feel. So, if I am not able to find five people that care for a true friendship with me, it is going to be even harder to find a woman who really cares.
Being a Christian, I think makes things much harder. We are in a society that believes in fornication, drinking, smoking, drugs, cursing, and partying. To me, that is not the way to go. I do not want a friend nor a girlfriend who is not willing to change there way of life for a healthy one. I am proud of being a Christian! When I am down, I remember what the bible tells me about this path. Matthew 7:13, “Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat.”
My mental suffering increases more when I think that I may not have the career that I want. I am able to pay most of my bills. My singing career does not help me much, and I am sad because I need the money. I will be graduating this year, and I ask myself, “What am I going to do after this is over? I don’t know.” A lot of people tell me that I am strong, but I wonder for how long. I have been rejected for most of my life. Also, I have heard adults tell me what I am supposed to do. This has hurt me. Who are they to impose things that I do not want to do?
I have found out that some, if not most of the people, who help people with disabilities, in reality, only harm them more. Parents are among this group. Some of them are too over protective which is bad for a person who is disabled.
I am still searching for a better future; I believe that I will not take long before I achieve all my dreams.